Day 6- July 14th--Lonely- an unpleasant feeling

Lonely-  an unpleasant feeling in which a person experiences a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of social relationships. However, it is a subjective experience.^[1] Loneliness has also been described as social pain - a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of undesired isolation and motivate her/him to seek social connections.^[2]

<sup>Yeah that says it all...and leads you to imagine the rest.  The strong sense of emptiness filled me last night as I sat on the couch after watching the most disturbing movie I have seen since The Color Purple or Schindler's List.  People are so cruel.  I can be so cruel.  We all want really I think to fill that emptiness to raise the amount of love we have coming in.  Driven by fear that  I can't, and watching other's scrounge for what ever scraps can be snagged.  But in doing that over sometime what I have done is created a hostile environment.  Everyone around me seems to know my pattern and seems to be defensive in one way or another.  They are led to be doing the same thing.  Caught in the cycle that is endless, until one or the other jumps ship and hopes to escape with the smaller set of wounds.  Then with out a moment to take a full deep breath, I dive back in and begin the hunt again... I strive today to take that moment. To allow others to take that moment.  I have to practice humility and know I cannot do this alone.  I must reach to those who are in this process or those who have made it thru.  This is going to be my journey thru the moment, I hope to reach  someone who wants to describe how they feel inside and can't find the words.  I am not alone.  My feelings of inadequacy and lonliness are just that feelings. 

 I wanted to reach out to someone who was comfortble last night after viewing this realistic display of humans at their worst.  To have someone hold onto me and tell me that it was ok. To allow me to cry and reassure me.  That person was not there.  I was forced to reach out to someone I normally would not have.  Those people can either be my next victims or my new teammates, the action to follow will tell, not the empty promises out of my mouth.

I have to say today, that last night I had a feeling of wanting to get on here and say what was weighing on me but I couldn't.   I was too afraid...Next time I won't be.</sup>