Day7- Feeling good is not the point,,,

Feeling good  is not the point...

So I have heard.  So maybe I am doing something right??? I really have no idea.  The daily path to "everlasting happiness" is bumpy I have to remember that.  Here is the thing today, and just for today, I want peace more than I want to not feel uncomfortable.  Yesterday afternoon I was again faced with someone, well 3 someones, that I had commited to at one point or another.  Now let me say this, I love all 3 of those someones differently, and I do love them.  I didn't go along and say " oh, I think I will drag people around and use them up and then toss them aside". That was never the intention.  For some reason, a reason I intend on bringing out, I have a need to grab onto someone and not let go.  In that moment when I grab them, I love them. And let me tell you, I love with all of me.  I hate with everything in me as well.  So I am faced with this dilema when ALL 4 of us are sitting in the same room...RUN or stay?  I am telling you that lazy, scared, prideful part of me, wanted to RUN!!! I stayed. I sat there and thought about the way those people felt.  I stopped thinking I was the one hurting and started thinking about how they felt. 

This ordeal threw me into a sad state, it sucked me into a black hole that had me stuck on me. Back to square one, DAMN!!!  Look, basically I took some action.  I still felt BAD, but I got out. I got out of myself.  I helped some people that were worse off than me.  I STILL DID NOT FEEL BETTER... I took my daughter to the movies, tried to focus on her.  I STILL DID NOT FEEL BETTER... I went home and could not sleep. Eventually exhaustion won over and I did go to sleep. Man, the sun came out AGAIN???
I came to work and felt like I was drowning.  I could not focus... I thought about the action, take more action.  Don't stop taking action!  I am learning to cultivate a relationship with something out there that is in control, somedays I do not have a defined picture, but still I take the action.  I believe that the action I take brings me closer or further from that relationship.  The picture gets more defined as I walk thru more.  The process is slow, but if it was instant I guess it would NOT be a process. 

What I want you to know is that I kept taking the action.  I FEEL BETTER!!!! It just happened at 1pm today, after all the action...So all feelings do pass. AHHHHHHHHH Thank YOU!

I can look at those I hurt, or that hurt me, and know that we all struggle with the action sometimes.  We would not be human otherwise.  I know that today, in me, the best that I have been is happening.  Right now...I am changing.  The feelings come and go.  BUT if feeling good is not the point, what is?  Change, Growth, Continued cultivation of a relationship that has been lacking for most of my life, that is the point.  Most of all loving and giving to other's is the point.  True changes comes about for me when inspite of all that has happened I can reach out and love someone, not afraid of what I am not getting.