Day38-August 15--Perception

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!! I am not what everyone limits me to.  If I have hurt someone I do not have to become that hurt.  I do not have to become the victim and get sucked into the loop hole of never ending inadequacy.  I struggle daily to fall back on the belief that God has something better for me.  The hope and trust that I can be more than my mind and your minds make me out to be.  That is it.  I limit myself by making your beliefs my own.  I feel the struggle going on in me.  The awareness that I can become the woman God has intended all along.  I tend to forget the work that is involved and the effort in continuing on with out the instant gratification I am so accustomed to.  I am grateful for my previous struggles they prepare me for where I am today.  Today I am becoming the whole human being I was meant to be.

Day36- August 13, 2011- Out of the Darkness

Living my life by default has been a normal pattern for me.  Allow the tragedy to play out and become a hostage to the results.  Living out my dreams and being a participant is new to me.  I am grateful I have had the chance to live both ways.  I have the oppurtunity to make some choices knowing both sides.  I have begun to live like I have a choice.  Not living like I am the victim anymore is both frightening and exhilerating at the same time.  Feelings of inadequacy chase me down and try to get me stalled up in fantasy.  An illusion of this perfect woman I should be can sometimes make me question where I am today.  Thank God for the small amount of courage and willingness I have to walk past that.  Each time I walk past that I feel like an inch taller.  It has been an exciting journey and I cannot believe that I am finally feeling the feelings that I have run from for so long.  It stops me sometimes when the right thing for the right reason happens naturally to me now.  I think "Oh My God, IT DOES WORK!!!"  These people that have come before me, and are willing to show me their path, they did not lie!!!  Walking out of the shadow of fear and insecurity has me the freedom to begin to see the whole picture.  I am grateful for the dark, it allows me to also know the light.

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 28- August 5, 2011--Powerless

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 28- August 5, 2011--Powerless: "Everyday I thought about getting on here and letting you know where I was at on this journey. Most days, in the last two weeks, I actually ..."

Day 28- August 5, 2011--Powerless

Everyday I thought about getting on here and letting you know where I was at on this journey.  Most days, in the last two weeks, I actually have not been sure where I have been.   That may confuse some of you, but other's get it.  Wow!  What a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts.  Rough for a lot of people around me too.  Wierd, the way things kind of spread.  I can tell you that in the last two weeks I have been barely able to slow down.  I am grateful for my full life.  I believe the God that I understand today did that to help me make it thru some of the feelings.  Guilt and Sadness for those who chose to go the easy route.  Like I have some kind of control or power right?  What ego I am displaying by playing my guilt and shame cards.  I am powerless and sometimes need to be reminded of that.  I am human and the experiences I have had in the last two weeks have reminded me of that.  My brain is definitely not my friend.  In the past I used to run and hide from it.  Today it still steers me wrong, but I try to get more light shined on it to make the crazy run and hide :-)

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 11- Learning to Love NOT Lure

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 11- Learning to Love NOT Lure: "It has been a pattern in my life to lure people in. I have figured out for my self that being a victim gets me what I need with a minimal w..."

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 12- July 20- Tired but not Weary

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 12- July 20- Tired but not Weary: "I am tired today. Worn out from all this awareness. GO AWAY awareness!!! No, no I am kidding. Somewhat... I just need some sleep. My li..."

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 10- Grateful for Imperfection

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 10- Grateful for Imperfection: "There are certain people that will never be happy with what you offer...No Matter What You Do! I am frustrated with these 'people'. 'They'..."

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 9-Thank God for Service to Others

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 9-Thank God for Service to Others: "Today was a mountain of service I was grateful for the opportunity to serve others because it kept me away from that gnawing pit in my stoma..."

Day 12- July 20- Tired but not Weary

I am tired today.  Worn out from all this awareness.  GO AWAY awareness!!!  No, no I am kidding.  Somewhat... I just need some sleep.  My life is full, I worry sometimes about finding the time I know I need to investigate this relationship with my higher power.  I am not writing much today, I am going to get some sleep.  Today has been a full day, time seems to have raced by me today.  I hope I did not miss any of the beauty. 

Day 11- Learning to Love NOT Lure

It has been a pattern in my life to lure people in.  I have figured out for my self that being a victim gets me what I need with a minimal work...Oh did I mentiona I practice laziness occasionally????  HaHaHa!  I have been brought to the awareness this is only a temporary solution.  Not only is it a temporary solution, but it never feeds the beast sufficiently.  So I am left even more empty than when I began.

Today I am learning to love others, although it feels foreign most of the time.  I am believing in the encouragement and experience of those who come before me.  Every once in awhile I feel the freedom they talk about, it is enough to keep me moving forward.  I am a work in progress today, not an old vhs tape that is losing value by the minute, tehehehehe.

This process is not going to happen over night.  It happens over time.  I have had that drilled into my head over the last year.  Now, only after I have chosen to walk away from the person that brought me that message, do I truly hear it.  That kind of makes me sad...

Only God knows how long I was meant to be in your life.  What I wish today and want more than anything, is to leave you with a sense of happiness and gratitude that we were on the same road.  I do not want to leave any more destruction in my path.  I want to pay attention today, to really hear you, whom ever you are that is walking with me at any given moment.

Day 10- Grateful for Imperfection

There are certain people that will never be happy with what you offer...No Matter What You Do!  I am frustrated with these "people".  "They" have given me a gift though, the gift of awareness.  I pray and ask for the humility, acceptance, courage and strength to NOT be that person today.  I am on a journey.  I am not perfect, but I do have to practice responsibility for the areas I am aware of.  Sometimes I am not good enough, and it is okay.  I have a hard time remembering that if I was good enough all the time, I would be perfect.  Perfect is isolated. I do not want to be isolated.  Connection with those around me and Higher Power is what I crave right?  So being imperfect is necessary.  Being not "good enough" all the time is a requirement for being alive, and I my friends, want to be ALIVE.

Day 9-Thank God for Service to Others

Today was a mountain of service I was grateful for the opportunity to serve others because it kept me away from that gnawing pit in my stomach.  I don't like being alone, period.  Nothing bright and shiny to say just a butt load of gratitude for positive distractions. :) I think getting out of me is the only way for me to become open enough to hear and see my Higher Power.  I had some feelings (AHHHHHHH feelings...) of betrayal today, by some one very dear to me.  I got very emotionally attached to that problem, but I knew well enough to keep my mouth shut.  That was new!!! Those close to me, those that I have allowed in, knew something was wrong but I threw up on them later away from those that could have been harmed by my emoptional outbursts.  Thank God for those people today!! Tomorrow is another day.

Day 8- Postive Action- Positive Results

Today I was busy.  Lots of action.  Lots of one foot in front of the other.  I was blessed with people today that were looking out for my best interests.  I had oppurtunities to receive love that I would have missed out on if I was stuck in the way I felt.  I started out rough today, feeling sick to my stomach, the gaping hole of lonely growing at what seemed like a million mph. 

I asked for help last night and yesterday from whatever it is out there. And today Higher Power put those people in my path.  I had a great conversation with a lady that I have had the chance to watch grow over the last year.  I remained open minded as she answered my inquiries on how she has made this change... " my relationship with God." she confessed.  WOW!

I struggle back and forth with producing my own picture of what that is for me.  I am on a journey to find what that is.  I have grown enough to know that I get to investigate and try new things.  Listen to people who have traveled down this road before me and have cultivated a relationship, a relationship that fills the gaping black hole that drives me to suck life from innocent victims.  I will grow this relationship and begin to practice confidence in that relationship.  I begin with a belief that belonged to alot of someone elses over two and a half years ago.  I had to strip that understanding down to nothing and admit my fears of no God, and my feelings of unworthiness to receive "God's" love or grace.  I started that journey, and the last few years have been preparing for the freedom I feel coming to me around the corner.

I am grateful I acted on some faith and some hope today.  I am grateful I felt bad feelings today, but chose to participate inspite of them.  I am also undoubtly mostly grateful for the ones who have come before me, for the ones who crossed my path and chose to share freely the love and grace they have been shown.  Thank You Higher Power...

Day7- Feeling good is not the point,,,

Feeling good  is not the point...

So I have heard.  So maybe I am doing something right??? I really have no idea.  The daily path to "everlasting happiness" is bumpy I have to remember that.  Here is the thing today, and just for today, I want peace more than I want to not feel uncomfortable.  Yesterday afternoon I was again faced with someone, well 3 someones, that I had commited to at one point or another.  Now let me say this, I love all 3 of those someones differently, and I do love them.  I didn't go along and say " oh, I think I will drag people around and use them up and then toss them aside". That was never the intention.  For some reason, a reason I intend on bringing out, I have a need to grab onto someone and not let go.  In that moment when I grab them, I love them. And let me tell you, I love with all of me.  I hate with everything in me as well.  So I am faced with this dilema when ALL 4 of us are sitting in the same room...RUN or stay?  I am telling you that lazy, scared, prideful part of me, wanted to RUN!!! I stayed. I sat there and thought about the way those people felt.  I stopped thinking I was the one hurting and started thinking about how they felt. 

This ordeal threw me into a sad state, it sucked me into a black hole that had me stuck on me. Back to square one, DAMN!!!  Look, basically I took some action.  I still felt BAD, but I got out. I got out of myself.  I helped some people that were worse off than me.  I STILL DID NOT FEEL BETTER... I took my daughter to the movies, tried to focus on her.  I STILL DID NOT FEEL BETTER... I went home and could not sleep. Eventually exhaustion won over and I did go to sleep. Man, the sun came out AGAIN???
I came to work and felt like I was drowning.  I could not focus... I thought about the action, take more action.  Don't stop taking action!  I am learning to cultivate a relationship with something out there that is in control, somedays I do not have a defined picture, but still I take the action.  I believe that the action I take brings me closer or further from that relationship.  The picture gets more defined as I walk thru more.  The process is slow, but if it was instant I guess it would NOT be a process. 

What I want you to know is that I kept taking the action.  I FEEL BETTER!!!! It just happened at 1pm today, after all the action...So all feelings do pass. AHHHHHHHHH Thank YOU!

I can look at those I hurt, or that hurt me, and know that we all struggle with the action sometimes.  We would not be human otherwise.  I know that today, in me, the best that I have been is happening.  Right now...I am changing.  The feelings come and go.  BUT if feeling good is not the point, what is?  Change, Growth, Continued cultivation of a relationship that has been lacking for most of my life, that is the point.  Most of all loving and giving to other's is the point.  True changes comes about for me when inspite of all that has happened I can reach out and love someone, not afraid of what I am not getting.

Day 6- July 14th--Lonely- an unpleasant feeling

Lonely-  an unpleasant feeling in which a person experiences a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of social relationships. However, it is a subjective experience.^[1] Loneliness has also been described as social pain - a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of undesired isolation and motivate her/him to seek social connections.^[2]

<sup>Yeah that says it all...and leads you to imagine the rest.  The strong sense of emptiness filled me last night as I sat on the couch after watching the most disturbing movie I have seen since The Color Purple or Schindler's List.  People are so cruel.  I can be so cruel.  We all want really I think to fill that emptiness to raise the amount of love we have coming in.  Driven by fear that  I can't, and watching other's scrounge for what ever scraps can be snagged.  But in doing that over sometime what I have done is created a hostile environment.  Everyone around me seems to know my pattern and seems to be defensive in one way or another.  They are led to be doing the same thing.  Caught in the cycle that is endless, until one or the other jumps ship and hopes to escape with the smaller set of wounds.  Then with out a moment to take a full deep breath, I dive back in and begin the hunt again... I strive today to take that moment. To allow others to take that moment.  I have to practice humility and know I cannot do this alone.  I must reach to those who are in this process or those who have made it thru.  This is going to be my journey thru the moment, I hope to reach  someone who wants to describe how they feel inside and can't find the words.  I am not alone.  My feelings of inadequacy and lonliness are just that feelings. 

 I wanted to reach out to someone who was comfortble last night after viewing this realistic display of humans at their worst.  To have someone hold onto me and tell me that it was ok. To allow me to cry and reassure me.  That person was not there.  I was forced to reach out to someone I normally would not have.  Those people can either be my next victims or my new teammates, the action to follow will tell, not the empty promises out of my mouth.

I have to say today, that last night I had a feeling of wanting to get on here and say what was weighing on me but I couldn't.   I was too afraid...Next time I won't be.</sup>

day 5-July 13th

Day 5- I feel the need to be somewhere else... I am aware it is attitude, I have a good attitude on the outside...I need my insides to get with my good attitude. Moving on is easy in some ways, but difficult in others. Fake it till you make it? IDK

I feel a need to put more into this.  I will take more time later away from my chaotic race to reach out with my words...

Day 4- July 12-An outside perspective

Day 4- You know what I missed? Those phone calls. The phone calls about nothing. I missed them.

I have great days and horrific days...let me not forget the later so I may savor the other. I am blessed, truly! Single... and walking not running into anything else...What a concept!

I hate it when everyone was right!  They were right because they are emotionally unattached, free to see the truth.  I am blinded by what I MAY not get, refusing to see what I ALREADY have.

Day3---July 11th This Qoute helped me today.

"We discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be GOD himself . We found that dependence upon his perfect justice,forgiveness,and love was healthy,and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon god ,we couldn't very well play god to our fellows, nor would we feel the urge to rely wholly on human protection and care."---

I have survived on other's for so long.  I am ready to rely on my higher power.  That source never lets me down... It helps me when I help others, so for now instead of taking I want to focus on giving.  It is hard but once I surrender to it I become ignorant to what I do not have.

Day 2- July 10

Day 2 breakfast w sisters and 24 hr fitness and then cedar ridge perserve. I am blessed. I let my sugar drop so I am chilling at home. Sad I didn't get to my 6 to see my girls. But all considered a great day.

"Dependence-Unhealthy or Healthy? Nothing can be more demoralizing than a clinging and abject dependence upon another human being.this often amounts to the demand for a degree of protection and love that no one could possibly satisfy. So our hoped-for protectors finally flee,and once more we are left alone - either to GROW UP or disintegrate."---This that I read, coupled with the pain I cause others and myself, has spurred me on to begin a journey I have long been avoiding..Finding me with out you.  Let's see what happens!!!