Day38-August 15--Perception

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!! I am not what everyone limits me to.  If I have hurt someone I do not have to become that hurt.  I do not have to become the victim and get sucked into the loop hole of never ending inadequacy.  I struggle daily to fall back on the belief that God has something better for me.  The hope and trust that I can be more than my mind and your minds make me out to be.  That is it.  I limit myself by making your beliefs my own.  I feel the struggle going on in me.  The awareness that I can become the woman God has intended all along.  I tend to forget the work that is involved and the effort in continuing on with out the instant gratification I am so accustomed to.  I am grateful for my previous struggles they prepare me for where I am today.  Today I am becoming the whole human being I was meant to be.

Day36- August 13, 2011- Out of the Darkness

Living my life by default has been a normal pattern for me.  Allow the tragedy to play out and become a hostage to the results.  Living out my dreams and being a participant is new to me.  I am grateful I have had the chance to live both ways.  I have the oppurtunity to make some choices knowing both sides.  I have begun to live like I have a choice.  Not living like I am the victim anymore is both frightening and exhilerating at the same time.  Feelings of inadequacy chase me down and try to get me stalled up in fantasy.  An illusion of this perfect woman I should be can sometimes make me question where I am today.  Thank God for the small amount of courage and willingness I have to walk past that.  Each time I walk past that I feel like an inch taller.  It has been an exciting journey and I cannot believe that I am finally feeling the feelings that I have run from for so long.  It stops me sometimes when the right thing for the right reason happens naturally to me now.  I think "Oh My God, IT DOES WORK!!!"  These people that have come before me, and are willing to show me their path, they did not lie!!!  Walking out of the shadow of fear and insecurity has me the freedom to begin to see the whole picture.  I am grateful for the dark, it allows me to also know the light.

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 28- August 5, 2011--Powerless

Learning to Live Alone but not Lonely: Day 28- August 5, 2011--Powerless: "Everyday I thought about getting on here and letting you know where I was at on this journey. Most days, in the last two weeks, I actually ..."

Day 28- August 5, 2011--Powerless

Everyday I thought about getting on here and letting you know where I was at on this journey.  Most days, in the last two weeks, I actually have not been sure where I have been.   That may confuse some of you, but other's get it.  Wow!  What a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts.  Rough for a lot of people around me too.  Wierd, the way things kind of spread.  I can tell you that in the last two weeks I have been barely able to slow down.  I am grateful for my full life.  I believe the God that I understand today did that to help me make it thru some of the feelings.  Guilt and Sadness for those who chose to go the easy route.  Like I have some kind of control or power right?  What ego I am displaying by playing my guilt and shame cards.  I am powerless and sometimes need to be reminded of that.  I am human and the experiences I have had in the last two weeks have reminded me of that.  My brain is definitely not my friend.  In the past I used to run and hide from it.  Today it still steers me wrong, but I try to get more light shined on it to make the crazy run and hide :-)